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Saturday, October 23, 2010

The NO Invite rejection hits again.

It is another NO invite to the party day.....

Today was another "Why does my child have to be the one who walks the road again facing yet another Birthday Party that he is not invited to?" Only this time his brother got the invite and he didn't. I know, I know that is life and when you have multiple children they are not always going to get invited to all of the same parties, sleepovers and activities. But, when you have a puzzle child it breaks your heart to see them face the reality of the no invite arriving.

Unfortunately this time around when the invite arrived, I was not as proactive as I should have been. When my puzzle boy saw the invite on the counter he immediately began asking me if he was invited. Apparently due to my lack of answering him and his social skills still being under construction he took it upon himself to ask the Birthday child himself. He was given the response that he was invited and that the birthday child's mom just forgot to put his name on the invite.

As Caleb began planning last night with excitement what he would buy for the birthday boy I began to get a bit concerned as to if he was really invited so I made the call - the call that confirmed that there was not a birthday invite for my puzzle boy. Today. I had the fun of explaining to my puzzle boy that he was not invited. Only to now regret allowing his brother the opportunity of attending. But would that have been fair?

Would it have been fair for me to decline the birthday invite all together not allowing the sibling to attend?

Would it be fair to the birthday child to reject the invite because he did not invite both of my boys? Maybe he was given a limit of how many children he could invite

Is it fair to think that when you live in a neighborhood that both your boys would be included in the parties not just one of them?

Today I am re-playing the situation over and over in my head wondering how to handle future No Invite rejections.

I am aware that it is not easy for parents and children to understand a puzzled child like mine - They don't always appear engaged in the other neighborhood children, they don't always seem as interested to play a game of tag or go on a bike ride, they don't often go out seeking your child's friendship. However, as the mom of a puzzle child I will tell you the excitement these children get when asked to join in that game of tag, when the door bell rings and it is a neighborhood child asking to play with them or when they get an invite to have a sleepover or go to the local park to play. You see Puzzle children love to play , attend parties and have sleepovers just like all children do they just don't always know how to engage your child and often don't have the same abilities to play the games your children play. But they are still Children who don't want to be or feel rejected.



Blogger Jenny said...

I am sorry that you and your son had to go through this. I'm probably facing this situation in days ahead. I don't know that I will do any differently than I did. Hang in there.

October 23, 2010 at 3:20 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Man, that is a hard one. My heart breaks for him... as I put myself in your shoes and his.


We have 5 boys and we do not really do school birthday parties.

Generally the parties we go to include my whole family.

Why would the other mom not invite both of your kids? Especially if he is friends to the extent that he was eager to buy the birthday boy a gift.

:( hugs!

October 23, 2010 at 5:25 PM  
Blogger lilend said...

What's a puzzle child?

October 23, 2010 at 5:29 PM  
Blogger Penny said...

I guess the question is who invites the children to a party? If your son asked the birthday child and he said yes he was invited I would say he was invited. Sounded the the mom is stuck up to not allow a sibling to attend when her own children invited them. Sounds like the mother excluded your child and not the birthday child. Its wrong. If your child knows the birthday child enough to be able to ask them then both siblings should be invited. Now if your child didnt' really know the birthday child then that would have been different. Your children lead different lives in school. They can't be invited to all teh same parties.

BUT this seem much different to me.

October 23, 2010 at 7:20 PM  
Blogger Valeen said...

I completely understand. My 11 year old son was invited to his very first birthday party just a couple weeks ago. I was so grateful for a family that thought to include my puzzle son. He was beside himself with joy. Thank you for writing about your experience, it's helpful to know other families are out there dealing with the same things.

Hang in there!

October 23, 2010 at 7:32 PM  
Blogger Ginny said...

This happens to my girls all the time. I always let the invited go the party though. I try to think of how I would have felt if it was me & my brother. I would have been devastated to miss something because my brother didn't want to go. I have had times though that one of my kids did not go because their sister wasn't allowed.

That really sucks though that the boy told your son he was invited & then the mom said no.

October 23, 2010 at 7:44 PM  
Blogger Jessi E. (The Elliott Review) said...

I was also wondering what a puzzle child was. I'm a teacher, so I if that's a specific diagnosis/personality reference, I really want to know! :)

And there are so many different layers to this dilemma that I think it's just such a hard decision, but you made it through.

October 23, 2010 at 9:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So sorry you and your guy have to face such a tough road. Thanks for the reminder of the feelings of all beautiful wonderful children. One of my son's very best friends struggles a bit with the day to day. I know he is not always the easiest of children for his mother, but to me I am so glad to have a blessing like him in our lives. ~Jessica

October 23, 2010 at 9:44 PM  
Blogger Renee said...

If you live in the same neighborhood as these folks they should have had the good manners to invite all the children in your family or none. If it was a classmate of only one of the kids, that would be different. My heart goes out to Caleb and to you because I know behind every wounded child is a wounded momma who wishes the world would love her baby like she does.

October 23, 2010 at 9:44 PM  
Blogger mutchkin21 said...

It is a tough one for sure and you handled it the best you could. Not all the time will they and should they always attend the same party, but it is hurtful to a child who isn't sure why he isn't invited if he too plays with the birthday boy. The birthday boy could have been caught off gaurd by Caleb asking him directly. The birthday boy could have lied saying Caleb was invited, but in reality, he didn't invite him. I have seen that and been through that myself growing up.

Next time could be a different situation but with the same question of what to do with one child invite with the other not. You just have to follow your gut instincts, let the non invite child know sometimes these things happen but not to take offense, and make a decision you find fit for your children. Rejection hurts, but it needs to happen a time or two. There could have been many valid reasons of why he wasn't invited and no feelings was ment to be hurt. My heart goes out to Caleb, because it does hurt when go through these situations. It is good you let his brother attend though. He shouldn't miss out due to un-invites of his brother. He needs that independance and not miss out when his brother can't attend. Unless there is harm that will go on or you find the environment not fit, I think you letting him attend was okay.

Have you placed him in any clubs? I used to be a child who was to myself. When I was placed in 4-H, it helped me bloom and same with drama clubs.

October 24, 2010 at 1:33 AM  
Blogger Amy Salmon said...

My heart, too, breaks for your son who was disinvited. :( Did you mention to the mom, when you called her, that her son extended an invitation to your son, who has been THRILLED ever since? Because if I was that mom, and heard all of that (despite having already purchased/assembled goody bags for 10, but here is an 11th child...) I would have said "Of course he is invited!" To me: feelings of a child are more important than my own convenience. If it feels like too many kids are coming, you ask another mom or two to hang around to help out.
In the future, play it by ear. On party day for one child, take the other out for lunch or some other special one-on-one time with you. Make sure each child "wins" in some way. Awfully hard to undo hurt feelings, so I try to avoid them in the first place.

October 24, 2010 at 10:06 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Aw. I always try to get my daughter to play with kids I see that are "messed up" as they call it.....:)

October 24, 2010 at 1:55 PM  
Blogger Cher said...

I have two boys 17 months apart and it will be interesting to see when this happens.

October 24, 2010 at 2:53 PM  
Blogger annaed_2 said...

Heart wrenching indeed! I'm afraid that I have no great words of wisdom but feel your pain.

October 25, 2010 at 8:29 AM  

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